kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
