He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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