i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
