My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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