I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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