i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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