I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
