I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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