I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
