Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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