Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
