Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
