I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
