be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
