True but thats because hes a fetus.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dicks are not precious.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
