we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
