its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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