You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
