he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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