I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
