My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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