you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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