Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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