She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
