I think I am morally bankrupt
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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