There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm bleeding and have questions
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
