When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Someone shit on the floor
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
