Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Green mimosas i think yes
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
