My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
