I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have aggressive nipples.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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