That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
How does it feel to date your dad?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
