apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
