i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
