she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
