Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
