What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
