My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just found puke in my bra..
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I FOUND THE LEGS
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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