What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
we're so committed to being not committed
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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