I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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