I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There's always time for handjobs
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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