look no pants
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
