After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
