i just had sex bonerless
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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