Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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