That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
