I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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