We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
