In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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