What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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