haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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