Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
