My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
