just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
